Let's Be Reckless

"I want to be reckless, Cause You are endless, I want to be shameless, And shout Your greatness, I will not be afraid, To surrender my way, And follow who You are, I wanna be reckless, reckless" - Jeremy Camp

These lyrics have been running through my head and playing over and over on my iPad for the past several days. I can't seem to stop listening to it. I think it's because it just stirs something in my soul. While I go through my day to day responsibilities of work, school, cleaning the bathroom and whatever else is on my to-do list for the day, I often feel a desire for something more. To do something great. Something others would consider reckless. Am I the only one to feel like this? I have a feeling that I'm not!

So what does this being reckless look like in my life? I looked up the definition of reckless on dictionary.com and they define it as being utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless. I'm a nanny, being reckless when it comes to work seems like a really bad idea. It doesn't seem like such a great idea when it comes to my schoolwork either.

But what about sharing Jesus with the girls that I watch, teaching them to pray and reading them Bible stories, even though their parents aren't believers? What about speaking the truth in love without worrying who will be upset by it? Or standing up for what's right even when it's not the popular choice? What about praying for opportunities to share Jesus, and then fearlessly taking advantage of the opportunity every time it arises?  Or, what I have decided to do, committing to a mission trip to Africa, not being concerned where the finances will come from or if I'll get the permission from work to go?

God gave us common sense, we should use, but He also calls us to follow Him and have faith that He will work out the details of what He has called us to. So I'm going to keep my eyes open, follow His leading, and pray that God would help me to become reckless.

So Long Insecurity?

Recently I've been going through the book and study So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore with a friend from my community group at church. I'd been wanting to do a study of some kind and my friend had agreed to do it with me. We were trying to decide what to study when one day while sitting in church the depth of my insecurity came and slapped me right across the face. I knew exactly what we needed to do.

 The study guide gives this definition of insecurity... Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt - a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate. The question right after this definition asks what part of this definition seems accurate and is something that I struggle with. Um, HELLO, this whole definition IS me. I don't think there is a single aspect in this definition that I do not struggle with. Daily. And can I tell you that I am really struggling today?

I have a whole list of things that feed my insecurity, but there are few things that feed it more on a Friday night than to have no plans. But one thing that does, is to be excited about actually having plans and then having them cancelled, for what seems to be no good reason at that. Now don't get me wrong, I like to have my space and once in a while I like to have a night in to just relax. But not on a Friday. I'm 24, single and I even have a break from classes. And you know what makes it worse? That it bothers me. I hate that it bothers me. I want to be the kind of person that doesn't get hurt or upset by this. People cancel plans all of the time and any normal person wouldn't think twice. So why do I take it personally? Why do I think that the person intentionally cancelled because they simply did not want to hang out with me? Pathetic, I know.


But this year I am determined to get over this insecurity. Just writing about how I'm so bothered I hear how pathetic and ridiculous I sound. I know the answers, I know that people do not cancel on me to hurt my feelings and that being alone on a Friday night is seriously no big deal. I know that even if these things weren't true, it wouldn't matter, because my security should not come from how many friends I have or what plans I have for the weekend. My security needs to come from God. And I think finding that security will be my biggest struggle, but what I strive the most for, in the upcoming weeks and months. So, you might want to prepare yourself to read more about it :)

A Year Full of Fresh Starts

I've been thinking a lot lately about starting to blog a bit again, but always figure it will just drop off quickly so I never start it. But with today being the start of a new year, I figured, why not give it a try? I'm not making any promises to blog every day or even every week, because I know I won't. But I thought I would start a new place to write when I feel the urge. I was writing a little entry in my journal, and I was finishing up I thought to myself "this would make a decent blog post!", so I believe I'll start by sharing what I journaled earlier tonight :)

New Years Day, the day for fresh starts, resolutions, promises to make changes... I've always found New Years Resolutions kind of silly. It's like setting yourself up for failure. In fact, a couple of years ago, out of frustration of my singleness I made the resolution that I would NOT have a boyfriend that year. Why did I put that on there? Because resolutions are meant to be broken! That resolution lasted all of 29 days (don't ask me how the relationship ended though!) And while this year I'm not going to make a list, I do think that today is a good day to reflect, and it really doesn't hurt to make some goals and plans for change. But this year, I don't want my resolutions to be selfish. Yes, I have the goal to lose weight and get in shape. But it's not so I look good. It's because I want to please God. I have used and abused the temple He has given me, and it's time for a change. I want to worship Him by taking care of this gift from Him.

While this is a huge goal and change of lifestyle I'm striving for, this year I want to focus more on my character. I want to trade my negative, pessimistic, often mopey attitudes in for positive, optimistic and joyful attitudes. I am so incredibly blessed, and that's where I want my focus to be. I want ditch my immense amounts of insecurity and instead learn to live in the confidence and security that I will find by getting lost in the love of my Savior.

So much of my insecurity lies in my singleness. So this year I want to stop looking at every man I meet as a potential husband, and instead look to fall so love with Jesus that when that right man does come along (this year or later), he sneaks in and surprises me. I want to learn to be less judgmental and more loving. I want to care for others more than I care for myself. I want to begin to truly live the life of a servant. I want my life to look like Jesus.

 And, because I know there will be more days than not that I fail miserably at some, if not all, of these things... I want to wake up every morning, praising God for a new day, and grateful for the chance to start each day fresh.